...And a Happy New Year...

I had intended to write this earlier but got tied up with other matters and for that I apologize. This is a quick update on the first day at the club in 2009. The phone rang and I answered with my usual zealous yet smarmy, "Good evening, thank you for calling (the club). How may I help you?" The gentleman on the other end had an accent that led me to believe he was of Middle Eastern descent. He asked, "What number is this?" To which I repeated the club's name and phone number. His next question was where were we located. I gave him the address in Latham, NY. He had not heard of Latham so I again repeated and spelled it for him. Next the call took a turn for the worse. He said, "Oh, I am in Chicago. I was wondering do you send girls here?" Hmmmm... let me think? Uh, yeah that's right I do put girls on the plane out to Chicago at 10:00 at night to fly to Chicago to go to a guy's hotel. In fact, I ship nationwide.

After fighting these thoughts from my head before they could reach my mouth I decided to stick with protocol and simply reply in the negative that "No, sir, I'm sorry but we do NOT send girls to Chicago as we are in NEW YORK. But you may try some of the clubs IN Chicago." I even recommended a very nice club that was nominated for the top club in the U.S. at August's Gentlemen's Club Expo in Vegas. By now I was somewhat curious so I asked where he had heard about our little club some thousand miles away. Not surprisingly, it was from the Internet. He then asked if I happened to know the number to the club in Chicago. (Because all strip club owners keep the 1600+ clubs in the U.S. on speed dial.) I again had to apologize for my lack of help but offered that he may try looking in the same place he found us.

So after that winning first call of the new year I figured I was going to have a hard time topping my stupidest call of the year and I was only one call in. Little did I know that it would only take till the next time the phone rang to beat this guy.

About 10 minutes have gone by and I've settled back into reconciling my back accounts. The phone rings again and I put on my best late night cable TV infomercial voice to greet our next caller. This gentleman sounds as if he hasn't stopped drinking since New Year's Eve but at least he sounds local so it pretty much makes him as easy to understand as caller number one was. After listening my query on what assistance I may be my soon to be best buddy for the next 10 minutes stammers, "You're open?!? Oh wow! I can't believe you guys are open!" Now keep in mind that this club closes at most 5 or 6 shifts per year and they are usually day shifts. I have even worked on Christmas Eve before. So the fact that we are open at 10:00 on a Thursday night, January 1st or not should come as no surprise to anyone that frequents the establishment. So I assure him that yes, we are indeed open and ask why wouldn't we be. He informs me that, "Everyone is closed tonight. (Different club name) is closed, and (another club name) isn't open. I thought everyone was gonna be closed." I tell him, "I guess they just don't care about making money now do they?" My inebriated friend to be then asks if the cover is still the same and informs me that he knows he is supposed to buy drinks and tip girls etc. I agree with him that these are all fine things to do when you visit the club. He next tells me that he hasn't been in for a long time and he isn't sure that he wants to after all. (For those of you that understand this is the part where this phone call is about to jump the shark...)

What follows is the closest I can recall to the actual quotes:

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. But if you change your mind we will be open until 3:00."

Caller: "I know by the time I pay the cover and buy some drinks and tip the girls that I'm going to spend at least $30 or $40 and I don't think it will make me feel any better about humanity."

Me: "Well, I'm sorry to hear that sir but we will do our best to show you a good time if you do decide to stop by."

Caller: "Yeah, my girlfriend she doesn't want to listen to me. She's a no good (expletive). I don't even know why I'm with her."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure she can't be that bad." (I suppose from here on I deserved the rest as I didn't have to pursue any of this. Live and learn.)

Caller: "I'm sorry, she isn't really that bad. She's OK. I'm sorry, I know you aren't my shrink and thank you for listening to me. I know you don't have to."

Me: "No, no, it's no trouble at all. (see what you get for lying?)

Caller: "Yeah, I'm out here on Central Ave. and there's this young girl at the gas station and she's wearing almost nothing with these 3 guys. What's she thinking?"

Me: "Perhaps she's 'working'?"

Caller: "They're probably going to go back to her place and have a ménage à trois or something"

Me: "It certainly sounds like that's a possibility."

Caller: "Maybe I should just go home and go to bed?"

Me: "That may not be a bad idea. Perhaps you'll feel better after a nap?"

Caller: "Nah, if I go to bed feeling like this I'm going to wake up and still hate the world and humanity!"

Me: "Well, I guess there's only one way to find out..."

Caller: "Yeah, well thanks for listening to me. I really appreciate it."

Me: "Really, it was no problem, I hope we see you here soon. Have a good night and Happy New Year to you."

Caller: "Yeah, I think I'm going to go to bed."

I quickly hung up the phone and informed the doorman that he was now to answer ALL calls for the rest of the evening as I was afraid to hear what the third call would bring.

Yes, I get a LOT of stupid calls here at the club. Most of the time it's the very stupid question "Are you guys open?" You would hope that the simple fact we answered the phone and you heard loud music in the background would answer the question for the caller. Perhaps he could change the question to a statement along the lines of, "I was calling to see if you were open but apparently you are." Also, I have customers that will call on a Friday or Saturday night to ask if we are open on the weekends. "No sir, we make enough money the rest of the week that we found that there's no real need to open the strip club on the weekends. Besides, who REALLY goes out on Friday or Saturday night?" There are the daily calls asking who is working. This is to be expected and is even encouraged. But when the same 3 guys call 4 or 5 times a day 7 days a week it really does get old. The worst offenders are probably the guys that will call to ask who is on and when we ask is there anyone specific they are looking for will say no. This may seem innocent enough until you consider we will then read off 20-25 names some nights only to then have the guy ask for a specific girl that we did not name... Yes, this really happens. Often. Too Often! I have had guys that I recognize (Caller ID... good invention) ask me who is on when I have seen their name pop up a few hours before. I will humor them and ask again if there is someone they want to know about specifically as there are over 20 girls on tonight. Of course he will say no. "Nobody really, I was just wondering who was there." So for the 30th or 40th time that night we will read off the list of who is here. After which he will ask about a girl that hasn't worked there in over 3 years. One guy in particular went through a list of 4 girls that had stopped dancing anywhere from 3 to 7 years ago. Yes, I said SEVEN YEARS AGO!!! I finally had to ask him, "Sir, when was the last time you were here?" He said, "I don't know it's been a while, maybe a few months, maybe a year." I asked, "Did you see them then?" "Yeah, I think so." he answered. "I just had to let you know that Ferrari stopped dancing seven years ago. She is married and has kids and hasn't danced anywhere in SEVEN YEARS. Are you sure it hasn't been a bit longer? We do have 20 other beautiful ladies here tonight. Perhaps its time you stopped by to meet some new favorite girls."

I know I am probably overreacting to all of this. But it is something about answering the same questions dozens of times a day and knowing that 90% of the time the guy on the phone has no interest in coming in and just wants to check in on the club that really starts to wear on you. There is more to my job then being the secretary and if I'm in the middle of something important and I have to stop to deal with the same guy that just asked the same question for the 5th time in 4 hours I would like to be able to tell him just how big a jackass I think he is. Unfortunately, that isn't allowed. Even when I get the call from guys saying they are calling from the fast food restaurant across the street and want to know how to get here, or the guys that want to know what number they just dialed, or the dancers' boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, etc. I have to always be nice. Maybe this is why I actually enjoy a good prank call once in a while. It lets me vent on a stupid caller after days or even weeks of dealing with people so dumb you have to wonder how they managed to dial the phone in the first place. And a very Happy New Year to you too...