Hypocrisy in the U.S.A.

As I sit here pondering the NYS Department of Taxation and their supposed stance on what constitutes a choreographed performance deserving a tax exemption, as I so often do, I started to think about "The Interview". I admit, I have not seen the movie yet. I likely will wait till it's on cable rather than spend the money to see it in the theater. But I can't help but draw some parallels to the ongoing legal battles between Nite Moves, Hustler Club, and other similar establishments, and NY State. The State of NY has claimed that the performances viewed at these establishments, while they may be choreographed, are not subject to the same protections as any other choreographed performance viewed by a live audience in the State of NY. Why? The purpose of the performance is "sexual fantasy". The State has made it clear that in NY, the government decides what speech is important and what speech is not worthy of equal protection. The Interview, was never intended to be an "important" movie. It was a typical Seth Rogan, James Franco collaboration to let the audience have a few laughs and escape reality for 90 minutes. The subject matter has been covered in prior moves, Team America World Police comes to mind. The acting will certainly not win any awards from the Academy of Motion Pictures nor the Screen Actors Guild. However, the very thought that North Korea would prevent the public from having the choice to see this movie shown in our country on equal footing as any other film nearly took our country to war with North Korea. There is reason to believe we shut down the internet on an entire country to retaliate. Suddenly, the film that would have slipped through the cracks in the same manner as their prior films was thrust into the heart of the American way of life. The freedom for citizens to decide to watch, read, listen to, anything we please without the interference from a government body. For the State of NY to claim that a patron of a "fine arts" dance performance are entitled to a tax break but the patron of "low brow" exotic dance are not entitled to the exact same protection because the auditor at the Department of Taxation and the head of the Tax Department personally do not like the content of the performance is every bit as Un-American as Kim Jong Un telling movie patrons they should see any movie but The Interview. Why is it that for over a decade the public has turned their backs on this glaring unconstitutional issue? Why do the citizens of NY, as well as many of its judges, believe it is acceptable to practice selective enforcement of the tax code? It is protected to listen to hate speech. It is protected to denounce the government. it is protected to mock a foreign country. It is not protected to watch attractive women dance with the sole purpose of making the audience feel good and forget their problems for an hour. Over the next several years this battle will continue its way through the State's legal system. One has to wonder at what point the justices will uphold their sworn duties to protect the citizens from the tastes of the government?

A Phone call...

Setting: In kitchen at brother's birthday dinner. Mom and brother are present when cell phone rings. Spider looks at caller ID in disust and clicks it on.

Spider: "Yes, Mona."

Mona's voice on phone: "Spider It's Mona you aren't gonna belive this."

Spider: "You're probably right but go ahead."

Mona: "Do you remember when I had to go to the dr. for my eyes on Friday and I couldn't come to work? Well they gave me something for it and it feels better but the next day the police came to my house to arrest me."

Spider: "And why did the police want to arrest you?"

Mona: "I don't know. My baby's daddy called them to have them arrest me. But when they got to the house I was there alone with the baby so they couldn't take me in because there was no one to watch my son. So I asked if I could take him to my grandparents to watch my son and they said ok but I had to turn myself in by 9:30 or they'd come looking for me that night and I said ok. So I dropped my baby off at his my grandma's and then I went to the police station and just as I got there all the cars were leaving cuz I guess there was this big fight or something so they all left. And then I sat there for like 3 hours and the guy there told me I should just leave cuz the guy I had to see was on deck whatever that means and that I should just come back tomorrow so I went out instead because I didn't have my baby cuz he was at my his grandmothers and I was really really mad because I thought I was going to go to jail and i called up Mischa bugging out on him and stuff and so I got my friend and we went out cuz I was still mad. And we were drinking downtown and she slipped on a step or something and she fell but when she did there was a beer bottle and she fell but she pulled me down with her and my hand landed right on the bottle and it cut my hand so bad. And it was bleeding everywhere and I was like 'Oh my God!' and then I went back to the hospital. But I didn't want to wait so I left and I went home. And then the next day I went back to the police station and they told me to come back today at 6:30 and I woke up today and I don't know what to do my hand hurts really really bad and I can't move it.

Spider: "So the moral of this story is you won't be at work tonight?"

Mona: "No. The moral of this story is I want to work tonight cuz I need the money but I got to go to the police station and I can't hold the pole with my left hand I think there may be glass in there still cuz I can't move it and its all swollen and stuff and I don't know what do you think I should do?"

Spider: "I think you should probably see a dr. What if you have nerve damage and can never move your hand again? Or what if there is still glass in it? I would think you may want to have them look at that."

Mona: "I know but I don't want them to wrap it up cuz then I can't work and i really want to work and it looks kinda bad but its just cut up it isn't bleeding anymore. And I really need to work. What should I do?"

Spider: "I think you should call me back when I have a pen so I can take notes."

Mona: "So can I work tonight after I get done at the police and the hospital?"

Spider: "Why don't you call me after you are done and then we can decide what to do? Good luck with the hospital and the police."

Mona: "Ok Spider, thank you. I'll talk to you later OK?"

Spider: "Ok... Bye bye."

Spider hangs up phone and goes back to eating.

Mom: "You were rude to her."

Spider: "Yep."

R.I.P G.O.

We have sad news today. The club has lost a member of its extended family.The first day shift manager from back in 2000 passed away this morning. He was a good friend to all who knew him. His sister still cleans the club and she broke the bad news this morning. He has been battling diabetes and more recently cancer but we were hopeful that he was improving. I had lost touch with him over the years but would try to keep in touch through his sister when possible. He was the person that put together my first Jamaican trip back in 2000. We rang in the new millennium in Montreal together. He was one of the people that did help me to loosen up and become the person I am today. He had made some bad career decisions and trusted the wrong people but he managed to always keep his sense of humor and a positive outlook. Before coming to work at the club he was the head of the computer department at a university. When he left the club he got the same position at another college. I believe he spent the final couple of years living with his daughter's family and spending time with his grandchildren. I hope he has found peace and that he knows that he has touched a lot of lives along the way and that he will be missed. G.O. goodbye my friend. I'll see you on the other side. Have some frozen margaritas ready for me.

Drugs are bad... Mmmmkay?

Today's lesson is not a new topic. In fact, former first lady Nancy Reagan started this crusade 20+ years ago. Just say NO to drugs. Now I am not going to say that I don't know anyone that uses or has used drugs. But I can tell you some first hand (and second hand) accounts of the troubles that have come to be from drugs. Oddly, it seems looking back that one drug in particular seems to be the one that did them all in. Heroin is VERY bad... Mmmmkay? Don't do heroine, don't sell, heroin, don't even sit next to heroin on a bus. I don't mean to make light of the serious problem some people have had with it but by now you should be getting the picture that this is meant to be a mostly light hearted corner of the Internet and I know you didn't come here to be preached to. You want to be entertained. So in the spirit of General Maximus Decimus Meridius I come to entertain you with the misery of others.

We will start our little trip down memory lane with the most recent unfortunate young lady to fall victim to "The 'H' Word". Last year we had a very lovely young lady start working at the club who had just moved from Connecticut. She greatly resembled Mena Suvari in her "American Pie" days. She wasn't the most talkative girl and probably not the brightest but she was nice enough. Always worked hard and made her money. Not a problem maker that I could tell. We will call her "Heather" in honor of Miss Suvari's character in the movie. Well, Heather had a boyfriend named Bob and they lived out in the sticks about 40 minutes west of the club. She bought him nice cars that he drove into guard rails late at night and destroyed. I believe he had some form of job working for his father or something. But it was clear that she made the money in the house. Anyway, fast forward a bit to this past summer. I got a call from "Heather" saying she was going to take some time off from work because they had been hanging out with some old friends from Connecticut and she had a lot of money saved up. None of this seemed that out of the norm so I just figured she would turn back up when money was low. Imagine my surprise when I heard from a friend that they found out she had been arrested recently in the largest heroin bust in Tompkins County in over a quarter century. It seems that her "friend", her boyfriend, and she had gotten into the drug trade business. She was arrested for selling 4 bags of heroin to an undercover officer. Later, Bob was picked up with over 40 bags on him. When they went into their hotel room they ended up with over 2700 bags of heroin. That's about $100k worth of the drug. I think it's safe to say she will not be back to work soon. So now this 21 year old girl is facing felony drug charges as are her 23 year old boyfriend and their partner. She is claiming she sold to support her habit but to be honest I never saw a sign that she used drugs and it is probably part of a plea deal. After all my years in the industry I am not ever really surprised by anything that happens but this came close. I am very sorry that her life has come to this and I do wish her the best.

Our next unfortunate victim of this dreadful drug is a former DJ at the club. "Jim" started working at the club soon after I arrived as a bartender. He was a couple years older then I was but looked even younger then I did (which back then was pretty young). He had over come a problem with heroin when he was younger and I heard many of his tales of drugs and debauchery through the years. He had managed to stay away for a long time and primarily smoked marijuana and cigarettes and occasionally drank. He had been known to take some prescription pills on occasion but for the most part had been successful in living a mostly normal life. He had a fiance and two daughters. He had bought his first car and was really proud of how far he had come in life. Then one night he was driving one of the dancers home and she asked him to stop at a friend's house. She didn't mention that it was to buy drugs. Well, Jim gave in to temptation and tried some heroin again. Soon he was back using full time. He was coming in late falling asleep at work, shooting up in the dj booth, stealing when the opportunity presented itself. Finally, I had to let Jim go. It was hard since he was one of my oldest and best friends but it had to be done. He continued down hill and finally had to leave the state. The last time I talked to him on the phone we had plans to meet for lunch around Thanksgiving 2007. Instead of getting a call from him it was his fiance asking why I had given him Percocets. I had to explain I had no idea what she was talking about since I had not seen him in months and was waiting to get his call so we could meet for lunch that day. She made him call to apologize for lying and blaming me when I had nothing to do with it. I let that call go to voicemail and listened to it later. I never did call him back to reschedule that lunch like he asked. Another in a never ending line of people that have lost their lives to drugs. This story does have a happier end then some. I heard from Jim on one of my online peer sites just before Christmas. He now lives in Boston and is back with his fiance. He has been clean for over seven months and that was one of the best gifts I could have received for Christmas. In the event he reads this I hope he knows just how proud I am of him and how much I hope he is able to maintain his sobriety.

Other people have had even less luck getting away then Jim did. I've had two dancers die of heroin overdoses after being fired from the club in the past few years. One was fired after overdosing at the club on a Saturday night while I was out of town on business. She would always call me every month or two just to ask if I'd consider taking her back. She would always tell me she was clean and hadn't used since that night. That that was just the second time she had ever tried it and she never would again. She went to one of the other local clubs and was dancing there. One night she was hanging out with a girl from my club. She ended up in a coma and died about a week later. She left behind her mother and a young daughter. The dancer that worked for me was fired and to this day still asks to come back. She is on a very short list of girls that will NEVER be allowed back. Oddly, the dancer that passed away was a childhood friend of a dancer that I used to date. The odd part is that my ex used to use heroin. She had a severe problem with it before I took her in and helped her to straighten out her life. Her brother died about a year before her childhood friend did. His death was also drug related. But their story is for another time.

There isn't much that a person on drugs won't do to get more money to buy more drugs. I've had thousands of dollars in cash and valuables stolen from me. I've made the mistake of believing their stories and trusting in them. I eventually learned that you can't trust someone on drugs. Because it isn't them in charge anymore. The drugs will say anything and do anything to keep control. They don't mind stealing or lying or just about anything else. Drugs don't care if you end up in jail or in a morgue. Like Mr. Mackey tried to teach you... "Drugs are bad. Mmmkay?"

...And a Happy New Year...

I had intended to write this earlier but got tied up with other matters and for that I apologize. This is a quick update on the first day at the club in 2009. The phone rang and I answered with my usual zealous yet smarmy, "Good evening, thank you for calling (the club). How may I help you?" The gentleman on the other end had an accent that led me to believe he was of Middle Eastern descent. He asked, "What number is this?" To which I repeated the club's name and phone number. His next question was where were we located. I gave him the address in Latham, NY. He had not heard of Latham so I again repeated and spelled it for him. Next the call took a turn for the worse. He said, "Oh, I am in Chicago. I was wondering do you send girls here?" Hmmmm... let me think? Uh, yeah that's right I do put girls on the plane out to Chicago at 10:00 at night to fly to Chicago to go to a guy's hotel. In fact, I ship nationwide.

After fighting these thoughts from my head before they could reach my mouth I decided to stick with protocol and simply reply in the negative that "No, sir, I'm sorry but we do NOT send girls to Chicago as we are in NEW YORK. But you may try some of the clubs IN Chicago." I even recommended a very nice club that was nominated for the top club in the U.S. at August's Gentlemen's Club Expo in Vegas. By now I was somewhat curious so I asked where he had heard about our little club some thousand miles away. Not surprisingly, it was from the Internet. He then asked if I happened to know the number to the club in Chicago. (Because all strip club owners keep the 1600+ clubs in the U.S. on speed dial.) I again had to apologize for my lack of help but offered that he may try looking in the same place he found us.

So after that winning first call of the new year I figured I was going to have a hard time topping my stupidest call of the year and I was only one call in. Little did I know that it would only take till the next time the phone rang to beat this guy.

About 10 minutes have gone by and I've settled back into reconciling my back accounts. The phone rings again and I put on my best late night cable TV infomercial voice to greet our next caller. This gentleman sounds as if he hasn't stopped drinking since New Year's Eve but at least he sounds local so it pretty much makes him as easy to understand as caller number one was. After listening my query on what assistance I may be my soon to be best buddy for the next 10 minutes stammers, "You're open?!? Oh wow! I can't believe you guys are open!" Now keep in mind that this club closes at most 5 or 6 shifts per year and they are usually day shifts. I have even worked on Christmas Eve before. So the fact that we are open at 10:00 on a Thursday night, January 1st or not should come as no surprise to anyone that frequents the establishment. So I assure him that yes, we are indeed open and ask why wouldn't we be. He informs me that, "Everyone is closed tonight. (Different club name) is closed, and (another club name) isn't open. I thought everyone was gonna be closed." I tell him, "I guess they just don't care about making money now do they?" My inebriated friend to be then asks if the cover is still the same and informs me that he knows he is supposed to buy drinks and tip girls etc. I agree with him that these are all fine things to do when you visit the club. He next tells me that he hasn't been in for a long time and he isn't sure that he wants to after all. (For those of you that understand this is the part where this phone call is about to jump the shark...)

What follows is the closest I can recall to the actual quotes:

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. But if you change your mind we will be open until 3:00."

Caller: "I know by the time I pay the cover and buy some drinks and tip the girls that I'm going to spend at least $30 or $40 and I don't think it will make me feel any better about humanity."

Me: "Well, I'm sorry to hear that sir but we will do our best to show you a good time if you do decide to stop by."

Caller: "Yeah, my girlfriend she doesn't want to listen to me. She's a no good (expletive). I don't even know why I'm with her."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure she can't be that bad." (I suppose from here on I deserved the rest as I didn't have to pursue any of this. Live and learn.)

Caller: "I'm sorry, she isn't really that bad. She's OK. I'm sorry, I know you aren't my shrink and thank you for listening to me. I know you don't have to."

Me: "No, no, it's no trouble at all. (see what you get for lying?)

Caller: "Yeah, I'm out here on Central Ave. and there's this young girl at the gas station and she's wearing almost nothing with these 3 guys. What's she thinking?"

Me: "Perhaps she's 'working'?"

Caller: "They're probably going to go back to her place and have a ménage à trois or something"

Me: "It certainly sounds like that's a possibility."

Caller: "Maybe I should just go home and go to bed?"

Me: "That may not be a bad idea. Perhaps you'll feel better after a nap?"

Caller: "Nah, if I go to bed feeling like this I'm going to wake up and still hate the world and humanity!"

Me: "Well, I guess there's only one way to find out..."

Caller: "Yeah, well thanks for listening to me. I really appreciate it."

Me: "Really, it was no problem, I hope we see you here soon. Have a good night and Happy New Year to you."

Caller: "Yeah, I think I'm going to go to bed."

I quickly hung up the phone and informed the doorman that he was now to answer ALL calls for the rest of the evening as I was afraid to hear what the third call would bring.

Yes, I get a LOT of stupid calls here at the club. Most of the time it's the very stupid question "Are you guys open?" You would hope that the simple fact we answered the phone and you heard loud music in the background would answer the question for the caller. Perhaps he could change the question to a statement along the lines of, "I was calling to see if you were open but apparently you are." Also, I have customers that will call on a Friday or Saturday night to ask if we are open on the weekends. "No sir, we make enough money the rest of the week that we found that there's no real need to open the strip club on the weekends. Besides, who REALLY goes out on Friday or Saturday night?" There are the daily calls asking who is working. This is to be expected and is even encouraged. But when the same 3 guys call 4 or 5 times a day 7 days a week it really does get old. The worst offenders are probably the guys that will call to ask who is on and when we ask is there anyone specific they are looking for will say no. This may seem innocent enough until you consider we will then read off 20-25 names some nights only to then have the guy ask for a specific girl that we did not name... Yes, this really happens. Often. Too Often! I have had guys that I recognize (Caller ID... good invention) ask me who is on when I have seen their name pop up a few hours before. I will humor them and ask again if there is someone they want to know about specifically as there are over 20 girls on tonight. Of course he will say no. "Nobody really, I was just wondering who was there." So for the 30th or 40th time that night we will read off the list of who is here. After which he will ask about a girl that hasn't worked there in over 3 years. One guy in particular went through a list of 4 girls that had stopped dancing anywhere from 3 to 7 years ago. Yes, I said SEVEN YEARS AGO!!! I finally had to ask him, "Sir, when was the last time you were here?" He said, "I don't know it's been a while, maybe a few months, maybe a year." I asked, "Did you see them then?" "Yeah, I think so." he answered. "I just had to let you know that Ferrari stopped dancing seven years ago. She is married and has kids and hasn't danced anywhere in SEVEN YEARS. Are you sure it hasn't been a bit longer? We do have 20 other beautiful ladies here tonight. Perhaps its time you stopped by to meet some new favorite girls."

I know I am probably overreacting to all of this. But it is something about answering the same questions dozens of times a day and knowing that 90% of the time the guy on the phone has no interest in coming in and just wants to check in on the club that really starts to wear on you. There is more to my job then being the secretary and if I'm in the middle of something important and I have to stop to deal with the same guy that just asked the same question for the 5th time in 4 hours I would like to be able to tell him just how big a jackass I think he is. Unfortunately, that isn't allowed. Even when I get the call from guys saying they are calling from the fast food restaurant across the street and want to know how to get here, or the guys that want to know what number they just dialed, or the dancers' boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, etc. I have to always be nice. Maybe this is why I actually enjoy a good prank call once in a while. It lets me vent on a stupid caller after days or even weeks of dealing with people so dumb you have to wonder how they managed to dial the phone in the first place. And a very Happy New Year to you too...

Stripper Math

I just finished a 30 minute discussion with one of my little darling dancers. The topic of the evening? Finances. Yes, I spent half an hour of my life banging my head against a proverbial wall with this one. If "Stripper A" owes rental fees to "Club B" and can't pay them what are we to do? A cute 21 year old has fallen in arrears with her club rental fees. She has reached the cut off point and can not owe any more. So, after arriving late for her shift and having an emergency that required her to leave for more then an hour the end of the night has arrived. With more then 70 customers through the door we would expect the night to be relatively profitable for most of the girls. But not this one. The dancers are given a choice between either A) pay their rent when they arrive or B) pay at the end with a 33% mark up. Most of the girls have learned in time that it is much better to pay $30 then it is to pay $40. At the end of the month this is a great savings. Then we have the few, the proud, the "special".

The young lady in question tonight had apparently borrowed money from her boyfriend without his knowledge and went shopping with it. Now she didn't bother to pay the $30 when she arrived at the club, but rather, bought a couple of new outfits that were "too cute". After 9 hours and 72 customers she has amassed a whopping $55. She doesn't wish to part with any of this money since she owes said boyfriend exactly $55 and if he finds out that she took it there will be problems at home. What follows is an excerpt from the conversation:

"But it's not my fault. The customers just didn't like me." "Perhaps it is because you sat on your ass all night?" "No. I sat with this one guy for like 10 minutes at the start of the night and he didn't do a dance." "Well, that is almost 2% of the night and over 1% of the customers accounted for." "But I only smoked like 5 or 6 cigarettes and and I was in the dressing room getting changed only like 2 times." "I see. But I never said this is your 'fault', I said it was your 'responsibility'. You have owed me this money for nearly a month now and you aren't getting caught up. Maybe this should tell you that this isn't the right job for you. You are telling me that my customers don't like you so maybe you shouldn't be here." "NO! That's not what I meant." "You could go upstairs and ask your sister to borrow the $30 you still owe for tonight and then you can pay her tomorrow." "No, I don't like to owe people money." (While burying head in hands) "You do realize that YOU owe ME money right???" "But I did really good one night when I first came back. It isn't my fault we're in a recession now." "Honey, we've BEEN in a recession. We aren't going to stop being in a recession anytime soon. How do you expect to survive if you don't try to make any money?" "I did try. I almost cried the first time someone said that we were in a recession." "OK, this conversation is over. There's nothing more that can come of this so you can either find $30 tonight or find $60 before you work here again. I don't care how or where, I'm done." (Exit Stripper A)

Incidentally, she didn't bother to try to find the money. She just went home. Yes, dear loyal reader, this is what I refer to as "stripper logic". Why save $30 from last night to pay when I arrive today when I can just spend $40 of what I make tonight to pay 8 or 9 hours later? After all, it's ONLY $10 a day, $50 a week, $2600 a year... What's the big deal? Maybe it's just me but I think they have a great future in politics.

Cha..cha..cha..changes.

There comes a time when change is required. It is inevitable and attempting to deny it is futile. Last year I was forced to replace 75% of the male staff of the club. Some of them were friends for many years and it was not an enjoyable experience. At the same time we were acquiring the club in Prague and within a matter of months their entire staff was also replaced.

I have never been a big fan of change and I can admittedly be a bit of a "soft touch". I always feel bad for people even when they are undeserving. Working in the capacity that I have been for as long as I have been has taught me to better deal with the unenviable task of replacing employees. There comes a time when someone no longer is performing their function to the levels required to maintain a healthy business. It appears increasingly clear that the time is once again drawing near when I must let a member of our staff go.

After numerous talks with him explaining the importance of performing their job as specified by the company they continue to fail in their tasks. It is always an unfortunate event when you can not save someone from himself. You must look at all the positives they have brought to the establishment in their tenure. But you also have to reconcile the fact that they are no longer the same employee you hired. More often then not people develop a false sense of entitlement when they have been at a job too long. Their performance begins to slip and that is the case here.

So now I am stuck with deciding when is the best time to inform the soon to be former employee that their services will no longer be required. Being the holiday season and all this creates a bit more pressure. Is it better to get it over and done with before the holiday? Should you try to tolerate the lack of effort for a few more weeks just to make it through the holidays? As you know by now I was once demoted on my birthday so I can relate with just how much that sucks. But one thing is for certain. If you visit the club next year you will once again see changes made. After all, change is inevitable...